Letting Go Is Never Easy

Letting go is the hardest thing to do to. If it is saying goodbye to a loved one or to a relationship. It's never easy, nor was it meant to be. That has always been a hard thing for me to do. Is to let go, to actually truly let go. I don't think I really have in a lot of ways on some occasion. To say the past year has been easy, would be a lie. It's been the roughest thing in my life. Through so many ups and downs, I've realized that I cannot handle it anymore.

I've truly loved someone over the past year. And it has taken me this long to realize that they don't love me. I've learned that I need to come first in someone's life. Not second. Sounds demanding huh? To say I don't believe in true love would be a lie. I thought I met my true love a year ago. This person I connected with instantly. I felt at ease, I was able to tell this person things I never told anyone. I thought I finally found my happy ever after.

I felt like I was a princess and finally had met my prince charming. Little did I know he was just a prince not what I was meant to have. He said all the right things did all the right things. Made me feel in love. Maybe because it happened too fast. Maybe just maybe I was wrong in my feelings for him. But every thing felt so right. I had never felt this way before. I knew that he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

When we talked I felt like I had known him my whole life. When we touched it was like magic. I felt things I had never felt before. For once I felt truly loved. But like every love story there is a tragedy my tragedy was I felt things he didn't. I made it known from the beginning I didn't want just a fling. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to eventually find the right person and to be married and have a family. That has always been my goal in life. To get married. To be a mom.

I know it sounds crazy. But that is all I have ever wanted to be. A mom, just a mom. It took me 21 years to figure that out. That I would be happy being a housewife and taking care of kids. That moment when they placed my son in my arms I knew that is all I wanted to be. But no I had the lucky chance to be a single mom. That should say something for my taste in guys. I had severely high standards, then I lowered them. It seemed every where I went, I attracted the assholes.

Back to the point of this blog, and saying goodbye. I should have said goodbye early on in our relationship. When I found out there was another woman. He had lied and said it was his sister. They were living together. I called him and of course we fought about it. It also happened to be an important time in his life and he had lost his dad earlier that morning. So here I was fighting with the guy I loved, over a lie.

I was probably a guilty party as I didn't tell him the news I had found out earlier that I was pregnant. I probably should have let it go, but I couldn't. My whole life, felt ruined.. he had another girl. That moment caused him to hate me, that I could tell but I also hated him, well not really hate I despised him for lying. Because I had told him all he had to do was tell me the truth. And no matter what it was I was willing to work on it with him.  He came back from his trip and we talked, he left saying he would come back for me.

I thought all was fine we were going to work things out. But while he was gone, he found someone. I felt like I was stabbed in the heart yet again. In just a few months this guy had crushed me yet again. And I didn't know exactly how to take it.I wanted to cry and scream and a few other things. But I couldn't hate him.. not then. All I knew was I still loved him and wanted to try and make things work. Try and get him back.

And I thought I did... little did I know I had to compete with his ex. For months I would feel trapped competing against someone who had everything I ever wanted. I was jealous and hated her.. I felt I had every right to.. and still do. In the end it ended up with another fight but yet still us trying to work it out. I don't know why, but we tried.

This would lead us into December where he had a heart attack and I thought I lost him for good. But someone we overcame what happened and he was back. We were trying. Things were going good and I was working on what I needed to change. Then one day he dropped the bomb and I had to fix everything or lose him for good. A month is not enough time to fix everything. Especially when you have trust issues to begin with. Fishing was coming first and I had to stand to the side and accept that.

I was totally fine, but what I wasn't fine with. Was being last to everything else. Work and school and fishing I could understand. But not even getting  a chance to see him because friends were more important. I was getting desperate. Clinging onto a string that was slowly slipping away. Never did I want to lose everything I worked so hard for in my whole life. But I did..

My being scared caused me to lose it. Not only was I having trouble with that, my home life was in shambles because I was still trying to cope with my son having Asperger's. My job was being a pain and I wasn't making enough money to survive. I was barely keeping myself afloat, then to have that ultimatum.. it cracked me. I just broke.

I was scared and alone for the first time and had no one to turn to. Because it was my best friend doing this to me. I thought he would understand more. But it became obvious he didn't.. he didn't understand and in turn lashed out me like I didn't care. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep the line of communication open. Maybe I should have just left him alone the last month. Maybe then I'd have what I want.. but I doubt it.

What hurts is I never hid what I wanted from him, and suddenly he tells me he just doesn't want it anymore. It felt like a knife tore through my body. I just didn't know what to do. I lost everything. And felt like I have. And like that, because I couldn't deal with him being pissed for my apologies.. because I was scared. He walked out of my life. This time for good. We didn't make it to D day as he called it. Today makes one year ago he walked into my life, and we started chatting.. and fitting enough we break up for good on that day. D day is 5 days away and he informed me he had already planned on walking.

So with this I say goodbye to the biggest love of my life. Someone I cared about almost more then anything. And I go back to the way it was, My son and I against the world.

Tournaments and the family

I was talking to a friend of mine the other and we ended up chatting about fishing tournaments. He asked me how come I never fish at any tournaments besides the small ones here locally. I thought about it for a moment, the real and true reason I don't is sitting out in my back yard with his fishing pole learning how. A sad smile curled into my lips as I leaned back in my chair and sighed softly. "Well I'm a mom. And to actually get on the pro circuit and be good, you have to fish a lot of these smaller ones."

When I say a lot that means about 100 for the year. I couldn't be away from my son that long. I don't see how the pros can do it and be away from their families. And their wives/girlfriends.. I don't know how they can do it. I mean it would drive me crazy, but I guess if I dated someone in the sport, I'd learn to deal with it too. But how well I would handle it, I am not sure.

They're gone to about 100 tournaments a year for the small circuit just to get to the big leagues. So we're talking minor leagues here. What do you do, I mean it has to be hard, there is no other way around it. When you're with someone you look forward to coming home at the end of a long day and having them there. Being able to curl up next to them in bed. The little things, but all of that won't really be there while they're gone. I mean right now if I had to I could do it, because I'm a single mom and I've been able to do that for seven years next month.

But for people who are married and have kids. How do they deal? I mean sure they can travel some, but what about while the kids are in school? Missing first born child's first steps? Missing big mile stones? It has to be tough on both sides. My hat goes off to the men and women who can do this and get through. Because to me it seems down right hard. Then again life isn't easy and never will be.

To the significant others of these Pro's, my hat goes off to you. Because I know you cherish what time you have with your partner.  I know it has to be hard, but I know you do it. For that you have all my respect. Because being away from my kid, I don't think I could do it like y'all do.  But if it came down to someone I truly love having to be gone for that long, I'd do it. Because I know true love doesn't come around that often. And you need to do what ever you can to make it work.

~AJ Thomas
Because I'm a mom