Letting Go Is Never Easy

Letting go is the hardest thing to do to. If it is saying goodbye to a loved one or to a relationship. It's never easy, nor was it meant to be. That has always been a hard thing for me to do. Is to let go, to actually truly let go. I don't think I really have in a lot of ways on some occasion. To say the past year has been easy, would be a lie. It's been the roughest thing in my life. Through so many ups and downs, I've realized that I cannot handle it anymore.

I've truly loved someone over the past year. And it has taken me this long to realize that they don't love me. I've learned that I need to come first in someone's life. Not second. Sounds demanding huh? To say I don't believe in true love would be a lie. I thought I met my true love a year ago. This person I connected with instantly. I felt at ease, I was able to tell this person things I never told anyone. I thought I finally found my happy ever after.

I felt like I was a princess and finally had met my prince charming. Little did I know he was just a prince not what I was meant to have. He said all the right things did all the right things. Made me feel in love. Maybe because it happened too fast. Maybe just maybe I was wrong in my feelings for him. But every thing felt so right. I had never felt this way before. I knew that he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

When we talked I felt like I had known him my whole life. When we touched it was like magic. I felt things I had never felt before. For once I felt truly loved. But like every love story there is a tragedy my tragedy was I felt things he didn't. I made it known from the beginning I didn't want just a fling. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to eventually find the right person and to be married and have a family. That has always been my goal in life. To get married. To be a mom.

I know it sounds crazy. But that is all I have ever wanted to be. A mom, just a mom. It took me 21 years to figure that out. That I would be happy being a housewife and taking care of kids. That moment when they placed my son in my arms I knew that is all I wanted to be. But no I had the lucky chance to be a single mom. That should say something for my taste in guys. I had severely high standards, then I lowered them. It seemed every where I went, I attracted the assholes.

Back to the point of this blog, and saying goodbye. I should have said goodbye early on in our relationship. When I found out there was another woman. He had lied and said it was his sister. They were living together. I called him and of course we fought about it. It also happened to be an important time in his life and he had lost his dad earlier that morning. So here I was fighting with the guy I loved, over a lie.

I was probably a guilty party as I didn't tell him the news I had found out earlier that I was pregnant. I probably should have let it go, but I couldn't. My whole life, felt ruined.. he had another girl. That moment caused him to hate me, that I could tell but I also hated him, well not really hate I despised him for lying. Because I had told him all he had to do was tell me the truth. And no matter what it was I was willing to work on it with him.  He came back from his trip and we talked, he left saying he would come back for me.

I thought all was fine we were going to work things out. But while he was gone, he found someone. I felt like I was stabbed in the heart yet again. In just a few months this guy had crushed me yet again. And I didn't know exactly how to take it.I wanted to cry and scream and a few other things. But I couldn't hate him.. not then. All I knew was I still loved him and wanted to try and make things work. Try and get him back.

And I thought I did... little did I know I had to compete with his ex. For months I would feel trapped competing against someone who had everything I ever wanted. I was jealous and hated her.. I felt I had every right to.. and still do. In the end it ended up with another fight but yet still us trying to work it out. I don't know why, but we tried.

This would lead us into December where he had a heart attack and I thought I lost him for good. But someone we overcame what happened and he was back. We were trying. Things were going good and I was working on what I needed to change. Then one day he dropped the bomb and I had to fix everything or lose him for good. A month is not enough time to fix everything. Especially when you have trust issues to begin with. Fishing was coming first and I had to stand to the side and accept that.

I was totally fine, but what I wasn't fine with. Was being last to everything else. Work and school and fishing I could understand. But not even getting  a chance to see him because friends were more important. I was getting desperate. Clinging onto a string that was slowly slipping away. Never did I want to lose everything I worked so hard for in my whole life. But I did..

My being scared caused me to lose it. Not only was I having trouble with that, my home life was in shambles because I was still trying to cope with my son having Asperger's. My job was being a pain and I wasn't making enough money to survive. I was barely keeping myself afloat, then to have that ultimatum.. it cracked me. I just broke.

I was scared and alone for the first time and had no one to turn to. Because it was my best friend doing this to me. I thought he would understand more. But it became obvious he didn't.. he didn't understand and in turn lashed out me like I didn't care. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep the line of communication open. Maybe I should have just left him alone the last month. Maybe then I'd have what I want.. but I doubt it.

What hurts is I never hid what I wanted from him, and suddenly he tells me he just doesn't want it anymore. It felt like a knife tore through my body. I just didn't know what to do. I lost everything. And felt like I have. And like that, because I couldn't deal with him being pissed for my apologies.. because I was scared. He walked out of my life. This time for good. We didn't make it to D day as he called it. Today makes one year ago he walked into my life, and we started chatting.. and fitting enough we break up for good on that day. D day is 5 days away and he informed me he had already planned on walking.

So with this I say goodbye to the biggest love of my life. Someone I cared about almost more then anything. And I go back to the way it was, My son and I against the world.

Tournaments and the family

I was talking to a friend of mine the other and we ended up chatting about fishing tournaments. He asked me how come I never fish at any tournaments besides the small ones here locally. I thought about it for a moment, the real and true reason I don't is sitting out in my back yard with his fishing pole learning how. A sad smile curled into my lips as I leaned back in my chair and sighed softly. "Well I'm a mom. And to actually get on the pro circuit and be good, you have to fish a lot of these smaller ones."

When I say a lot that means about 100 for the year. I couldn't be away from my son that long. I don't see how the pros can do it and be away from their families. And their wives/girlfriends.. I don't know how they can do it. I mean it would drive me crazy, but I guess if I dated someone in the sport, I'd learn to deal with it too. But how well I would handle it, I am not sure.

They're gone to about 100 tournaments a year for the small circuit just to get to the big leagues. So we're talking minor leagues here. What do you do, I mean it has to be hard, there is no other way around it. When you're with someone you look forward to coming home at the end of a long day and having them there. Being able to curl up next to them in bed. The little things, but all of that won't really be there while they're gone. I mean right now if I had to I could do it, because I'm a single mom and I've been able to do that for seven years next month.

But for people who are married and have kids. How do they deal? I mean sure they can travel some, but what about while the kids are in school? Missing first born child's first steps? Missing big mile stones? It has to be tough on both sides. My hat goes off to the men and women who can do this and get through. Because to me it seems down right hard. Then again life isn't easy and never will be.

To the significant others of these Pro's, my hat goes off to you. Because I know you cherish what time you have with your partner.  I know it has to be hard, but I know you do it. For that you have all my respect. Because being away from my kid, I don't think I could do it like y'all do.  But if it came down to someone I truly love having to be gone for that long, I'd do it. Because I know true love doesn't come around that often. And you need to do what ever you can to make it work.

~AJ Thomas
Because I'm a mom

Anxiety and Fishing?

 When you look at the blog title, you think sounds weird right? Sure it does, but to someone like me not really. See the thing is I have severe anxiety. Little things get me, and it's quite annoying. I don't know how it starts, and I know the doctor's say, "Here take a prozac." Now to me I think we are self medicating way too much. And this nation has gotten to be a bit too dependent on pharmaceutical drugs. We take our kids and just drug them up. Because they are a little rambunctious and a little hyper. I mean come on.. really? We have to do that. How many kids back in the day were on these meds? None because you know why, they weren't stuck on the computer, or the xbox or what ever, they were outside playing.

Now I am definitely a pot calling the kettle black. My son like to play his Wii and go on the computer and I take Prozac.. but let me tell you what. At least 2 hours a day that kid is out there fishing with me. And I have actually learned that fishing has helped with my anxiety. I know sounds a little weird right? But just hear me out on this. I work in an office 50 hours a week. 80% of the time I do the same mundane thing over and over again. There are times when I just want to go crazy because it's all tedious and boring. But hey it pays the bills so I can fish.

So I know by now you're asking me, what does anxiety and fishing have to do with one another. Well I will tell you. About three years ago I started seeing a psychologist for help with being a single mom. Because let me tell you.. it's NOT easy. But life isn't easy. I was losing sleep and stressing out over small things. It took me three years to understand that I had anxiety issues. The what ifs and the could bes. Those are what got to me. I was dating a guy at the time and he said, you are so relaxed when fishing I don't understand how you have anxiety issues. That's when it hit me, when I am having a panic attack (trust me more people get them then admit it) I feel like the world is closing in on me, and mine happen when I am indoors.

So I tested out a theory, I grabbed my fishing pole at the first sign of an attack and went fishing. Let me tell you that helped quite a bit. Instead of breathing into a brown paper bag, I just went outdoors and started fishing. Let me tell you, I felt so good after 15 minutes I couldn't believe it. And it's a lot cheaper then medicine and going to the doctor. With the economy today not everyone can afford Health Insurance or their Job doesn't provide it. But I've learned between fishing and having someone to talk to about it, my anxiety has lessened over the year.

Sure I take Prozac, but not as high of a dose as most people on it. And on that I take half a tablet of their lowest prescription, to help me when I can't grab my rod and go outside and fish. Living in South Florida I am blessed with some of the best fishing around. I can Salt Water or Fresh Water fish. And to me that's heaven. So for some of you out there who do have anxiety issues, find someone you trust to talk to (for me it's my fishing partner.) and grab your rod and fish. This little escape will help wonderfully through out a lot of this. I'm saying this from my experience. I always recommend going to a Doctor if you can. But if you can't try fishing.

~AJ Thomas
Because Not Fishing is my Anxiety

Can you handle the obsession?

“I’m dating an Athlete!”  That is a phrase that has been heard a lot. And lately to me by a friend of mine. But not many truly understand the concept of dating a true athlete. I am sure it’s different in every sport, but I’m going to hit the sport that I know the best, Fishing.

Sure we’ve all see the Classic and lots of other big named tournaments; where the winner wins Money, a New Boat and a bag of other prizes. Sure that sounds like absolute fun. But the truth of the reality is look at how many people the winner had to beat to get there. With the Economy the way it is, Sponsors aren’t giving out full rides anymore.

Dating an Athlete, being married to one, it’s not easy. Boy do I know most women that are involved with these men wish it was, their lives would be a lot easier.  Maybe a little duller, and not as fun...  but possibly easier. You need to factor in the time the sponsors need from them, the times for the tournament including travel as well as practicing. Let me tell you from what I’ve seen around the circuit, most of these guys Eat, Breathe, Live and Sleep fishing. Fishing is a life style and a passion. To some people it’s an obsession. And Yes I see that trust me.  But to others it’s how we live. 

A friend of mine started dating one of us a year ago (yes I said us, even though I’m a woman I still live to fish). He said he loved to fish and fished on the college circuit. Well to her that sounded good, so why not she asked. Fishing was ok, she did it here and there for fun, not for well lack of better words life.  Little did she know what I was getting myself into. The tears the sweat the blood and more tears. I feel bad for the girl as she had absolutely no idea what all was involved. And to be honest, she honestly thought, he’ll be rich and she can quit her day job... (Insert sarcastic laughter here)

While I would love to give up my day job, I don’t.  Because I know it takes that and something from the man upstairs to keep fishing. Trust me it’s not much. Because on top of tournament entry fees and other things, that I have a 7 year old to feed. And if you all have met any average seven year old, they will eat you out of house and home.  You factor in what you’ve won. Subtract fuel costs(for both your truck and your boat thank you $4 something a gallon prices), subtract food cost, cause have you seen some of these boys? They eat and they eat well! , subtract travel (hotel accommodations if it’s far from home) It’s not cheap.  Then you gotta pay Uncle Sam… most places it’s more than others. Lucky for me I live in Florida. So quitting my job? Sure it’s foreseeable when I hit the lottery!

One of the biggest challenges she face as the girlfriend is time. Let me tell you there is not enough time in a day or a week for that matter. I know she’d love to be able to spend every weekend with her Athlete. Go out to the movies, heck even on a real date. But it’s not happening. When they do get time between his job, his going to school and fishing, not to mention her 50 hour a week job, they talk about fishing. And let me tell you something ladies it gets old. I get it trust me, but it’s what they do Sometimes she’s asked him if she needed to dress up like a Small Mouth Bass or a Ranger boat to get his attention. Granted she agreed to dating him, she does complain sometimes. Hey it’s a woman’s right!

But he’s good at making it up to her. And for that she cherishes that time they have together when he does. He’s good about asking her about her day, when she really know he’s dying to tell her about the next tournament and what he’s up against. He cares he truly does. Many times I know they’ve been up texting because he’s out working on the boat or doing something for his sponsors, where he’s fallen asleep on her and has admitted it. Heck they’ve even cut nights short as he’s been too tired. But it comes with the territory of dating an Athlete or even being married to one.

Sometimes I know she wonder what she truly got herself into, it is worth it? He barely has any time and really tries to make it. That’s where we as women need to understand that sometimes they can’t be there for those important dates or other gatherings. It’s not like they don’t want to but their career calls. Heck I know many couples have fought over this. And those fights have been epic. You take a Southern Man who loves to fish and a Southern Woman who loves her man, you know those fights have to be epic. 

So after talking to me about it, she learned if she wants to be in his life, all she’s gotta do is cool her temper. And realize that yes this year he’s fishing on their anniversary. So she decided this is what she’s got to do to stay in his life. Learn as much as I can about the sport he loves. Try and learn as much about this sport as she can. And by golly if she wants to spend time with him, she had better pick up her rod and go. If she wants that time, fishing is the only way to do it.  You need to know that to most of these men fishing will always be number one to him. And frankly I’m ok with that… because any guy in my life fishing is up there with my son

Ladies if you have one of these men in your life. Cherish him because it’s something they need. There will be tears and let me tell you all men cry no matter what. You need to be that shoulder when they lose the tournament. You need to be the shoulder when they can’t afford the fee, because they had a choice of having a roof over their head or spending the money on an entry. When the day is done and your man comes home. Just be there for him. It’s the best advice I can give.

AJ Thomas,

Because Fishing is my life.